Somehow my story is part of your plan.

Since being home for Christmas break, Ive had a lot of time to think about a lot of things. This previous semester, family, friends, my life, my purpose, and ultimately Gods plan.

Ill be completely honest in saying that I got really lazy this semester. However, I had reasons that Id like to say were the cause of it. I made an extremely great group of friends. These friends were new and I always wanted to be around them. Going back to highschool, it was clear that I was not the guy who played sports, who always had a girl to walk down the hall with, or who just fit in with the other guys. Dont get me wrong, I had one or two guy friends, but nothing like the friends I made this semester.
I finally felt like I actually belonged in a group of guys. I didnt want to completely focus on school in fear that I would lose them. I consider them to be my best friends.

My biggest insecurity. friendships.

I dont know what it is. I havent quite put my finger on it. But somewhere along the road of starting college until now, Ive become quite insecure about my friends. Ive spent this semester consumed with jealousy and anger. Worrying about little stuff that shouldnt be worried about. Maybe its because they arent the same kind of friendships that I had back home. You know, the kind of friends that youve had since elementary school and know a lot about. These new friends are people that have existing friendships and are just adding more on top. Of course, I have had one or two really close friends since starting college. One that I share all my junk with. It helps to have that one close friend who is always there.

Ive also had the privilege of having a mentor. He has turned out to be exactly what I needed in college and has become a great friend of mine. Always there to help me when I need and always ready to call me out. Ill be honest, as much as it can be hurt to be called out, its a great feeling to know that someone cares enough to do that.

Its taken me until now to understand that a best friend isnt someone who is made in 2 months.
and thats ok.
I have friends that I like to call my best friend, whether or not they call me theirs in return.
and thats ok too.


Now onto family.

My family is changing.
Its a heartbreaking thing, to watch your family start to spread out.
I know that people have had to watch as their families have split up from divorce, or even death; and my situation is nothing like that. Its nothing compared to that.
But the closeness of my family is all Ive ever known and it hurts to watch as things change.
Going off to college and leaving them was one thing, but now watching as everyone is getting started in their new lives is weird. Nathan is getting married, which doesnt even seem real. Natalie is about to graduate and start her college career, along with always spending time with her boyfriend; and amber is well...still young. But things will be different with her very soon.
Dont get me wrong, its a joyous occasion to see my family expand and to introduce new people into it.
But the time with just the six of us will be a time that I never forget.

This Christmas break has been a crazy time for me.
Ive learned to appreciate the small things.
Like sitting in the kitchen with mom and dad having conversation. Or playing cards with my brother and sisters. Riding in the car, uncontrollably laughing because someone said somethin dumb. Just taking a walk outside by myself. Dancing in the kitchen. Making up some disaster of food and cooking it. Being told I love you from my momma. Shoveling the driveway and getting the car unstuck.

Its just been a good time of realization.

Realizing that without God, I cant make it.
Knowing that he died for me.
Constantly pursuing a life for him is what I should be infatuated with.
Loving him, with all that I have!
Not letting things of this world make me jealous, or angry.
Being wrapped up in his love.
Having faith. everyday.

I know that things will get better with God always in the picture, and that somehow, my story is part of his plan.

how long?

I put alot in more into this than I actually get back.

his voice.

How can we ever start to know God if we don't allow ourselves to be receptive to his calling?

His voice is so distinct, but we push it aside like it doesnt really exist.
I push it aside like it doesnt really exist.

Somewhere along this journey, Ive wanted to put my bags down and give up. But glimpses of the end result are so beautiful.

I know whats coming.
I know my calling.
But like so many, I want to run.

The path I'm running away on is quickly getting narrower.

God,
Im running.
Take this fear away.
Life becomes more miserable when I dont listen to you.
Reveal yourself to me.
I want to be all I can, for you.
Give me strength.
Lots of it.
Cause to live here, today, mental strength is essential.

I love you.

restless

You dwell in the songs that we are singing
Rising to the Heavens, rising to Your heart, Your heart
Our praises filling up the spaces
In between and frailty and everything You are
You are the keeper of my heart

And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
Oh God, I wanna rest in You

Oh, speak now for my soul is listening
Say that You have saved me, whisper in the dark
'Cause I know You're more than my salvation
Without You I am hopeless, tell me who You are
You are the keeper of my heart
You are the keeper of my heart

And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I wanna rest in You

Still my heart hold me close
Let me hear a still small voice
Let it grow, let it rise
Into a shout, into a cry

Still my heart hold me close
Let me hear a still small voice
Let it grow, let it rise
Into a shout, into a cry

And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, let me rest in You
I'm restless, so restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
Oh God, I will rest in You

I can see the light

I dont know what the heck Im trying to prove.
This whole semester I have been told that I have hardly done anything.
Well, compared to them, they are correct.
Compared to alot of people, they are correct.
I have had a really easy semester. Super easy.
But there is a reason for everything, I know.
Ive learned alot about myself, about others, and ultimately about God.

I'm still after Gods heart.


Life's a fight.
The world is continuously trying to take me.
It wins, it loses.
But this glorious, beautiful life Ive been given,
should be an ever reflection of Gods love.
Hallelujah

He calls me friend.

It is becoming more and more evident of how I should be more dependent on God rather than people.
I become so dependent on people that I just push God aside.
God actually wants to be my best friend. He longs to be.
Lately, he has only been my friend when I want him to be.
He's here NOW.
Waiting.

sleep on it.

friendship is confusing.

thought.

If it doesnt bring God glory....why do I do it?

break.

Whos real in this life?
Are we being true?
The person God has truly chosen for us to be?

We (and I mean myself more than we) as followers of Christ need to take a stand.
Ill be honest, its the hardest thing Ive ever tried to do.
Ill probably never get there.

But the effort and our actions will pay off. I know it.

anybody.

Is there anybody who loves me?
Is there anybody who really cares?
Is there anybody who wants to stay home for me?
Is there anybody who wants to be with me when I am not in control,
when I feel like crying?
Is there anybody who can hold me and give me a sense of belonging?

let go.

The more I put my trust into people, the more I realize that I need to put my trust in God.

This letting go thing is hard.

stop.

stop questioning
and just live like you know you should.
God's calling out, reaching out.
and what do we do? question.
stop.

true.

They cry out for us to say a word.
But we just pass them by.

I'm ashamed.

oh how he loves.

I am being renewed every day.

I really enjoy being with people. Just any people.
But I really like those times to escape and be alone.
So I did that the other night and had really good conversation with God.
I still get these thoughts alot of the time that God is just waiting to beat me when I slip and mess up.
But thats definitely not the case at all.
I sin...God speaks.
I love you.
Theres repercussions, yes. But God does nothing but love.
Maybe its tough love.

This car ride was a time of renewing, a time a rejoicing and a time of love.
Im not perfect.
Im never gonna be.
God is.
His perfection covers our imperfection.

I realized this before,
But it was brought out in that car ride.

God longs for a relationship with me.

me.

I am nothing.
But God is everything.

i think.

I think we all need to be aware of how fast things can change.
I think we all need to be aware of the things that we take for granted.
I think we all need to be aware of the world going on around us.

speechless

This scripture was read tonight at Impact. It spoke to me.
When you even think you have problems,
read this. then think again.

"The servant grew up before God—a scrawny seedling,
a scrubby plant in a parched field.
There was nothing attractive about him,
nothing to cause us to take a second look.
He was looked down on and passed over,
a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand.
One look at him and people turned away.
We looked down on him, thought he was scum.
But the fact is, it was our pains he carried—
our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us.
We thought he brought it on himself,
that God was punishing him for his own failures.
But it was our sins that did that to him,
that ripped and tore and crushed him—our sins!
He took the punishment, and that made us whole.
Through his bruises we get healed.
We're all like sheep who've wandered off and gotten lost.
We've all done our own thing, gone our own way.
And God has piled all our sins, everything we've done wrong,
on him, on him.

He was beaten, he was tortured,
but he didn't say a word.
Like a lamb taken to be slaughtered
and like a sheep being sheared,
he took it all in silence.
Justice miscarried, and he was led off—
and did anyone really know what was happening?
He died without a thought for his own welfare,
beaten bloody for the sins of my people.
They buried him with the wicked,
threw him in a grave with a rich man,
Even though he'd never hurt a soul
or said one word that wasn't true.

Still, it's what God had in mind all along,
to crush him with pain.
The plan was that he give himself as an offering for sin
so that he'd see life come from it—life, life, and more life.
And God's plan will deeply prosper through him.

Out of that terrible travail of soul,
he'll see that it's worth it and be glad he did it.
Through what he experienced, my righteous one, my servant,
will make many "righteous ones,"
as he himself carries the burden of their sins.
Therefore I'll reward him extravagantly—
the best of everything, the highest honors—
Because he looked death in the face and didn't flinch,
because he embraced the company of the lowest.
He took on his own shoulders the sin of the many,
he took up the cause of all the black sheep."
[Isaiah 53:2-12]

Thats love.

1:25 a.m.

My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

Psalm 73:26

yep.
that about sums it up.

char-tar.

Im more than happy to be back.
To see all these faces
To have more deep talks
To stay up until 3 a.m.
To be on my own.

I hear all this talk about how sophomore year is ridiculous and everyone changes.
I dont know what to expect.
I dont know how I'll handle all this change.

We'll see.

show love. be love.

and its over.

Summer comes to an end.
It happened fast.
But I wanted it that way.

I can honestly say that this has been by far one of the worst summers.
Aside from the random trips to see friends and my awesome job as sandwich maker, Ive done alot of nothing.
This summer has tested me in a lot of ways.
Ive passed. Ive failed.
Failed more than passed I think.
But I have definitely learned from those failures. A realization has been made that I cant do life on my own. I need Jesus more than anything else.
Being more sensitive to his voice is one thing that has been pounded into my brain repetitively over these last two months.
We all have our conscious. You know, that voice that says when youre doing something completely stupid. Then there's the voice of God.
Alot of times I give the excuse that its just my conscious telling me what to do, so I ignore it. But its God. How pathetic am I?
We are pathetic.
Without God we are nothing.
So you might as well start listening to him.
Life will be better.

School starts in 2 days.
I will be more bold, more outspoken, and more comfortable with my christianity.
I will love.

I am not my own.
For I have been made new.

that guy

I feel like that guy alot of the time.
you know...that guy.
The one that doesn't really get invited to things but sorda tries to invite himself...and no one really cares if youre there or not.
that guy.

crazy love

Im in awe.
That God could love us so much.
How could he love us?
Pathetic us.

About a month ago I went out and bought a book. Yea, I dont even read. But I went and bought one because I heard this particular book was too good to pass up.
So after bringing it home, I wasted no time in opening the cover and starting with the first page. About 15 minutes later I finished the first chapter. A month later and I had made no progress. I walked by it everyday. Looking at it. But looks were all it got.
What a mistake.

After spending a summer of longing to get closer to God, but only disappointing myself because I didnt think it was the most important thing I could do, I picked up that book. It was time to change.

.......

For the last week Ive spent time everyday in prayer and reading this book trying to understand Gods love for us.
The book describes it as Crazy Love.

While reading this book Ive realized a couple things. I've been a lukewarm christian. You've heard it said....the whole lukewarm thing. But do you ever even stop to think about it? We are all so obsessed with what what we can do to bring us glory that God doesnt even fit into the picture. We are comfortable with what we have. Comfort is good, but God doesnt call us to live comfortable lives. Its a dangerous thing, following Jesus. The disciples were insane in my opinion. Dropping everything to just stop and follow this man they hardly knew probably gave people the idea that they were messed up in the head. But the weren't. They had an extreme love for Jesus, and for people. A crazy kind of love.
I want this crazy kind of love.
and when I dont want it, I want to want it.

We are called by the Creator to represent love.
The creator! The one who created nitrogen, and pine needles....galaxies and E-minor.

Its a serious thing. Love is.

"Like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me."
Ps. 131:2

just a thought

I'm glad there's not gonna be anger in heaven. Cause I think everyone would be after Adam and Eve.

he loves us, more than the dad from LOST.

you know, I just dont understand.
Gods love.
I want to. But I dont think its possible.

Ive been reminded of how much God loves us through watching LOST.
yea, go ahead and laugh. but I have. ok?

One of the guys gets his son taken away from him during the show and goes crazy trying to get him back. In the end he puts himself in danger, betrays his friends, and kills someone. Just to get his son back.

That father really loved his son.

Our Father really loves us.

He went through worse than the LOST father, not just to save us, but just to give us the choice of whether or not we will accept what he has to give.

all of that just to give us a choice?
its not like we have to accept.
we dont have to.

why?

because he loves us.

I accept.

try and wrap your brain around that.
its sorda hard.

you'll know.

We all fail.
and its ok.
thats the beauty of it.
I belong to a God who will pick me up when I fall...over and over again.

you'll know when you've gone to far.
you'll know when to come back.
you'll know.

and thats ok.

I guess I didnt want to admit it.

People change. For the better. For the worse. People change.

Its hard watching those you love disperse into the world, becoming who they want to be...who they are meant to be. I dont want the change. But I know its what I should accept. I have accepted it.

I have watched God use me, so I want God to use my friends in every way. Whether it be using them in weaverville, or across the world. I don't mind anymore.

Im proud of you.

in every way.

The world is ours to love.

To show love to.

So go out and love.

You never lose friends you love. You never say goodbye.

People are changing.

I am changing.

You are changing.

and thats ok.

Dan in real life.

You know how sometimes you come to the chapter in the book that has the same title as the book itself? I guess thats what this is. You can say this blog is a book. A book about my life, and this chapter can be the one to catch you up on this life of mine.

Life keeps going and I cant stop it.

Things get thrown at you. You might catch them, you might not. But thats life I suppose. "You cant win 'em all" grandma says...actually she says "prune juice and fish sticks," but the other quote sounds like something grandma would say.

Opportunities arise and all I can say is you better snatch them while you can.

I just recently got a job at the Well Bred bakery and I couldnt be more thankful. It was one of those times. the unexpected times. I applied everywhere else in the world and didnt get a call back and after multiple prayers and conversations with God, this job just happened. I shall not complain.

This summer is hard for me. I really want to be back at school. Not that being home is a bad thing, but I just wanna go back.

God has decided to really test me this summer.

God consume me from the inside out.

in progress.

Hes still workin on me.

To make me what I ought to be.

It took him just a week to make the moon and the stars,

the sun and the earth and jupiter and mars.

How loving and patient he must be,

Hes still working on me.

only opinions.

Love.

Its such a strong word.

I cant even grasp its meaning.

I have this idea of what I think Love is, but my opinions are not fact. Only opinions.

For the last couple of months Ive been dealing alot with relationships. They are everywhere. Friends, family, tv, books....I just cant seem to escape the reality of living in this world full of people being in great relationships. Its tough, cause I really want to be in a relationship. I get so focused on the idea of being with the "perfect girl" and being able to have someone, that I forget about the most important relationship.

That being between God and me.

Getting back to love.

Love is so much deeper than we make it out to be. The word is loosely thrown around. We dont get it.

I dont get it.

There are the forms of love that the Bible mentions.

Ill be looking those up.

sun's gone for a while.

Ive never really liked rain.

But I like it when God speaks through thunder. His voice proclaiming that this world is his, not ours. It reminds me that Im not in control.

God take this sinking ship and point it home.

life flows from God.

We are a chosen generation.

Its time for this selfishness to be erased.

I live for the one and true God.

Who holds the universe in his hand.

Theres something cool about that.

I know its good.

life goes by quickly. the days seem to run together. freshman year is over.

I always heard it as a kid, you know when your parents say "life will go by faster and faster when you get older." yea yea..didnt believe it. I believe it now.

So many things have went on this year that have helped mold me.

People mostly.

God even more.

God is more real to me now more than ever. He is everywhere. He is everything.

Summer is good at testing friendships.

leaps.

God is life.

God is patience.

God is truth.

God is love.

Ive made a big decision.

God is leading my life in a new direction.

This is where faith really kicks in. I dont like taking leaps into the unknown.

But I know that if this is what God really wants, itll work.

Ive been thinking more on why God puts people in our lives, and Ive figured out that its not solely for one purpose.

God puts people in our lives for many different reasons.

Some to guide us, some for us to guide, some to make us stronger, some to weaken us.

Some just to listen.

God has put multiple people in my life that I dont deserve.

But im thankful.

1:52 a.m.

Why does God put people into our lives?

This is something that Ive been thinking about constantly for the past few weeks.

There have been people lately that I dont know why God would bless me with, and then there are some that I have no idea why God would even think about making us cross paths. But all these people have helped mold me.

Im a listener, not a talker. But I can talk. Im not dumb.

Im gonna have to think more about why God puts people into our lives.

happiness doesn't even begin to describe.

amazing.

indescribable.

joy.

peace.

everlasting.

love.

so many more words can describe my God.

There is no one else for me.

None but Jesus.

I wish that I would have made this decision earlier in my life.

I mean, following God is dangerous.

But i don't care anymore.

I just cant explain it.

this feeling God gives me.

eh.

Ive noticed myself becoming more and more dependent on people rather than God.

people let you down.

God dont.

people let you down.

dont get comfortable

Ive been running.

Id like to say that I haven't been.

But I am.

I know preachers say to beware of this kind of stuff, but tonight before the worship service I prayed this prayer. . .

"God if this message tonight is on being a follower of you no matter the circumstance, Ill take it as a warning sign to start being more serious about it."

Tonight at Impact the message was on dropping what is comfortable and following Jesus not matter what.

I dont even know how to explain the feeling I got.

We all have our nice, comfortable lives that we live day by day. Stepping outside of those safe boundaries to tell someone about Jesus, our maker mind you, would be completely insane, right? This got me thinking about the life Im living. I like to think that Im a good christian, but after this message I am nothing. The speaker tonight spoke of Jesus healing people and makin demons flee, you know, the amazing stuff Jesus did...he said that even though Jesus had been in this particular place for a while, it was time to move on to another town to spread the gospel. Jesus may have got comfortable in this town he was in, but he knew it was time to move on to the next place.

dont get comfortable.

Its time to stop resisting.

drop everything.

and follow.

Matthew 24:9

"Then you will be arrested, persecuted, and killed. You will be hated all over the world because you are my followers."

I dont know of anyone who said it would be easy. following Jesus is dangerous to be quite honest.

freedom is here.

I would just like to say that I hit the refresh button tonight.

Days go by.

I should probably stop forgetting that this blog exists. Im sorry blog.

My friend mentioned their blog the other day and I was reminded that I had one.

I forgot how much I like it. I can just write. everything.

College.

Im done with my first semester. It was so much different than I actually imagined.

Yes, like any other person entering college, I was ready for the world to show me what it had to offer. But why waste my time?

Ive spent this whole first semester getting used to things and I have laid out a plan of what I want to happen next semester.

But is it what God wants?

God has shown himself to me in the last couple weeks.

Through friends.

Ive made myself believe that God just stops in to visit sometime. I'm always here, and hes the visitor. Like a visit with a friend. A friend that you don't see all time, but one that you really enjoy seeing when you get to. God is not this friend though. Ive come to the realization that God is always there. Im the friend that stops in to visit.

Hes there. Always.

We need to let God take control of our lives, even if what he wants from us seems ridiculous.

days go by.

second semester is about to start.

I want to be strong, and stay strong.