So I asked for some change.
I think I've gotten it.
However, I don't know if I've been reacting to this change the way I wanted to.
The summer days have flown by, just as I imagined they would. The weeks are a blur. It's gotten to the point where I honestly don't know what day it is. No lie. I don't really know if I like it yet. I do know that I'm ready to head back to school. Back to friends and the college life. You know.
I think what I'm honestly most ready for though is to get back in to my community. I miss them something fierce. But I also miss worship services, and spending time with my creator among my brothers and sisters in Christ. That, is something that I haven't got to do at all this summer.
I came into the summer with so many ideas about how I wanted to grow independently with God and take time to myself to figure things out about my life and in which direction it's going. But God has had other plans.
My summer goals. Yes I laugh at some of them.
A.) I wanted to get hooked into a church with a good college group.
B.) I was in desperate need of a job and some cash moneyyyy.
C.) I wanted to get swoll. (cross that off the list..some things just won't happen) But I did want to stay healthy.
D.) I wanted to keep up with my friends from here, and rekindle those old friendships.
E.) iPad. Boom.
Well it's sad to say that letters B-E got accomplished. With the exception of the swollness. I have stayed healthy. Water is now my friend. A close friend actually. But letter A....hmmm well....not so much. Im ashamed to say that I haven't payed almost any attention to that. With all the drama going on with my home church, and my dad getting a new job at another church with no college ministry, not to add that I got scheduled to work every Sunday this summer even though I asked for Sunday's off....I just didn't really have anywhere to go. My question is why would God allow this to happen? I prayed for church and I prayed for a community to get involved with here at home but nothing seemed to fall into my lap.
I've been blinded by my selfishness.
But I see it now. God is giving me what I asked for.
Change.
You know how you always have that one friend that you are around so much that one of you always gets fed up with the other? Well I've had
so much alone time with God that I'm beginning to think that he's getting fed up with me. I was clueless! He was showing me signs of him being there and I was passing them by without a bit of attention.
But once I realized what was going on, the more I realized that God is just like any other friend. He wants just to talk. So my alone time with God began to form on my drives to work in the mornings. I know I've gotten some strange looks by passersby on the road. I'm just talkin away to the empty passenger seat and they are judging me harshly wondering why I've got a license. But I've been given a refreshed faith to know that even though I can't see him, he's still standing beside me.
Best mentor/friend anyone can ever have.
I'm not saying that it's the perfect relationship. Far from it actually and it will never be perfect. It's a work in progress.
I can be a stubborn ass. I've had failures and will continue to have them, until I'm dead.
Bt through my selfishness God has given me grace, whether I've accepted to see it or not.
Ive been uplifted this summer and taken to a new level of myself. I've seen Gods power displayed in my life and in the lives of others.
Prayers have been prayed. Some have been answered. The ones that needed to be.
I may not have wanted this all to happen the way it did.
But it happened and I'm pressing on.
I heard a quote the other day that's stuck with my mind and has been brought to the surface of my brain on and off.
"God's will is what we would choose if we knew all the facts."
Like my normal self I tried to over analyze it, but the simple statement needs no in-depth analyzation.
If we really knew everything that God has in store for us and where we end up in this life if ours,
we'd choose his way, not ours.
There's a light at the end of the tunnel, even if the tunnel takes a couple years to get through.
These past couple of years have been huge for me. A lot of me has been torn down and God has given me a look into myself. As scary as it was to feel so vulnerable, and as much as I hated it,
I'm thankful it happened.
