Since being home for Christmas break, Ive had a lot of time to think about a lot of things. This previous semester, family, friends, my life, my purpose, and ultimately Gods plan.
Ill be completely honest in saying that I got really lazy this semester. However, I had reasons that Id like to say were the cause of it. I made an extremely great group of friends. These friends were new and I always wanted to be around them. Going back to highschool, it was clear that I was not the guy who played sports, who always had a girl to walk down the hall with, or who just fit in with the other guys. Dont get me wrong, I had one or two guy friends, but nothing like the friends I made this semester.
I finally felt like I actually belonged in a group of guys. I didnt want to completely focus on school in fear that I would lose them. I consider them to be my best friends.
My biggest insecurity. friendships.
I dont know what it is. I havent quite put my finger on it. But somewhere along the road of starting college until now, Ive become quite insecure about my friends. Ive spent this semester consumed with jealousy and anger. Worrying about little stuff that shouldnt be worried about. Maybe its because they arent the same kind of friendships that I had back home. You know, the kind of friends that youve had since elementary school and know a lot about. These new friends are people that have existing friendships and are just adding more on top. Of course, I have had one or two really close friends since starting college. One that I share all my junk with. It helps to have that one close friend who is always there.
Ive also had the privilege of having a mentor. He has turned out to be exactly what I needed in college and has become a great friend of mine. Always there to help me when I need and always ready to call me out. Ill be honest, as much as it can be hurt to be called out, its a great feeling to know that someone cares enough to do that.
Its taken me until now to understand that a best friend isnt someone who is made in 2 months.
and thats ok.
I have friends that I like to call my best friend, whether or not they call me theirs in return.
and thats ok too.
Now onto family.
My family is changing.
Its a heartbreaking thing, to watch your family start to spread out.
I know that people have had to watch as their families have split up from divorce, or even death; and my situation is nothing like that. Its nothing compared to that.
But the closeness of my family is all Ive ever known and it hurts to watch as things change.
Going off to college and leaving them was one thing, but now watching as everyone is getting started in their new lives is weird. Nathan is getting married, which doesnt even seem real. Natalie is about to graduate and start her college career, along with always spending time with her boyfriend; and amber is well...still young. But things will be different with her very soon.
Dont get me wrong, its a joyous occasion to see my family expand and to introduce new people into it.
But the time with just the six of us will be a time that I never forget.
This Christmas break has been a crazy time for me.
Ive learned to appreciate the small things.
Like sitting in the kitchen with mom and dad having conversation. Or playing cards with my brother and sisters. Riding in the car, uncontrollably laughing because someone said somethin dumb. Just taking a walk outside by myself. Dancing in the kitchen. Making up some disaster of food and cooking it. Being told I love you from my momma. Shoveling the driveway and getting the car unstuck.
Its just been a good time of realization.
Realizing that without God, I cant make it.
Knowing that he died for me.
Constantly pursuing a life for him is what I should be infatuated with.
Loving him, with all that I have!
Not letting things of this world make me jealous, or angry.
Being wrapped up in his love.
Having faith. everyday.
I know that things will get better with God always in the picture, and that somehow, my story is part of his plan.
