back again

I think it's about time to start my blogging back up again. I haven't in a while and its a really good way for me to release whats going on in my life in a way that doesn't involve me having awkward confrontation with people. I'm no good with that kind of stuff anyways.

My life is a mess.

My life is a mess. But thats the beauty of it. For the last month or so Ive been dealing with my identity in this world and who and what God is calling me to do. Its possibly been one of the most stressful times for me personally. Maybe its not been horrible looking from other peoples points of view, but its been really tough for me. Luckily, I have some pretty amazing friends and family who have been helping me through it. Through all the chaos of money, (which I have decided is Satan in paper form) I have been asking myself these same questions almost every minute of every day. Who am I? What is my purpose? What does God want me to be doing? Well let me tell you one thing, I'm here to serve and please my savior. You know, the one who died for the sins of man. Im not perfect, and my relationship with God is FAR from good. But God is here to fix broken lives. Not sit and judge them. My problem: Im stubborn. I don't want to listen to things around me and I ALWAYS have the right answers. Oh how wrong I am. My eyes have been opened. Im not right, and when Im not serving God, my master, I am not going to be happy. Ultimately, we as Christians are here to serve our living Savior. Through that, our lives will fall into place. Our wants will no longer be important and our needs will be supplied. Our passions will be revealed and will be driven by a desire to serve our living God! I would like to encourage anyone that may read this blog by saying that God is ALWAYS there. We might not feel it, but he is! If you are his, you are eternally attached to him. He will never abandon you and when you feel like you may be alone, he is right there, holding your hand. Take a second. Breathe. Feel the spirit. Psalms 31:20 "You hide them in the shelter of your presence, Safe from those who conspire against them. You shelter them in your presence, far from accusing tongues" I like tho think sometimes we try to walk out of that "shelter." Its a disaster and I like the shelter. There's no reason to leave. To sum it up. When the eyes are on God, everything will be ok. Be encouraged. God doesnt ever leave. His presence is good. Really good.

Everlasting

A thousand times I've failed Still your mercy remains, And should I stumble again Still I'm caught in your grace. Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades, Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame. My heart and my soul, I give You control, Consume me from the inside out Lord. Let justice and praise, become my embrace. To love You from the inside out. Your will above all else, my purpose remains, The art of losing myself in bringing you praise. Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades, Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame My heart, my soul, Lord I give you control, Consume me from the inside out Lord. Let justice and praise become my embrace, To love You from the inside out. Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades, Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame, And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise From the inside out, O my soul cries out. My Soul cries out to You. My Soul cries out to You. to You, to You. My heart, my soul, Lord I give you control, Consume me from the inside out Lord. Let justice and praise become my embrace, To love You from the inside out. Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades, Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame, And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise, From the inside out, O my soul cries out. Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades, Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame, And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise From the inside out, O my soul cries out. From the inside out, O my soul cries out. From the inside out, O my soul cries out.

Me and the world.

All Im praying for is a chance to share the love God has shown to me.

When it comes to me and the world,
I hope people see a difference.

QC

Ive moved back to the Queen City. Things are almost exactly what I thought they would be like.
I think I like it a lot too.

2011-2012. let's go.

This blog is scatterbrained. But I understand it and that's all that matters.

So I asked for some change.
I think I've gotten it.
However, I don't know if I've been reacting to this change the way I wanted to.

The summer days have flown by, just as I imagined they would. The weeks are a blur. It's gotten to the point where I honestly don't know what day it is. No lie. I don't really know if I like it yet. I do know that I'm ready to head back to school. Back to friends and the college life. You know.
I think what I'm honestly most ready for though is to get back in to my community. I miss them something fierce. But I also miss worship services, and spending time with my creator among my brothers and sisters in Christ. That, is something that I haven't got to do at all this summer.
I came into the summer with so many ideas about how I wanted to grow independently with God and take time to myself to figure things out about my life and in which direction it's going. But God has had other plans.

My summer goals. Yes I laugh at some of them.
A.) I wanted to get hooked into a church with a good college group.
B.) I was in desperate need of a job and some cash moneyyyy.
C.) I wanted to get swoll. (cross that off the list..some things just won't happen) But I did want to stay healthy.
D.) I wanted to keep up with my friends from here, and rekindle those old friendships.
E.) iPad. Boom.

Well it's sad to say that letters B-E got accomplished. With the exception of the swollness. I have stayed healthy. Water is now my friend. A close friend actually. But letter A....hmmm well....not so much. Im ashamed to say that I haven't payed almost any attention to that. With all the drama going on with my home church, and my dad getting a new job at another church with no college ministry, not to add that I got scheduled to work every Sunday this summer even though I asked for Sunday's off....I just didn't really have anywhere to go. My question is why would God allow this to happen? I prayed for church and I prayed for a community to get involved with here at home but nothing seemed to fall into my lap.
I've been blinded by my selfishness.
But I see it now. God is giving me what I asked for.
Change.
You know how you always have that one friend that you are around so much that one of you always gets fed up with the other? Well I've had
so much alone time with God that I'm beginning to think that he's getting fed up with me. I was clueless! He was showing me signs of him being there and I was passing them by without a bit of attention.
But once I realized what was going on, the more I realized that God is just like any other friend. He wants just to talk. So my alone time with God began to form on my drives to work in the mornings. I know I've gotten some strange looks by passersby on the road. I'm just talkin away to the empty passenger seat and they are judging me harshly wondering why I've got a license. But I've been given a refreshed faith to know that even though I can't see him, he's still standing beside me.
Best mentor/friend anyone can ever have.

I'm not saying that it's the perfect relationship. Far from it actually and it will never be perfect. It's a work in progress.
I can be a stubborn ass. I've had failures and will continue to have them, until I'm dead.
Bt through my selfishness God has given me grace, whether I've accepted to see it or not.
Ive been uplifted this summer and taken to a new level of myself. I've seen Gods power displayed in my life and in the lives of others.
Prayers have been prayed. Some have been answered. The ones that needed to be.

I may not have wanted this all to happen the way it did.
But it happened and I'm pressing on.

I heard a quote the other day that's stuck with my mind and has been brought to the surface of my brain on and off.

"God's will is what we would choose if we knew all the facts."

Like my normal self I tried to over analyze it, but the simple statement needs no in-depth analyzation.
If we really knew everything that God has in store for us and where we end up in this life if ours,
we'd choose his way, not ours.

There's a light at the end of the tunnel, even if the tunnel takes a couple years to get through.


These past couple of years have been huge for me. A lot of me has been torn down and God has given me a look into myself. As scary as it was to feel so vulnerable, and as much as I hated it,
I'm thankful it happened.

outside realizations

God has given me so much.
But I think I am becoming blind when it comes to his creation and his love.
Im sitting here outside and just taking time to sit and listen.

Footsteps
Voices
Laughter
Birds
Wind
The buzzing of this bee
the rustling of bushes

I see these people...
God created each one.
A purpose was instilled in each one of them.
A purpose was instilled in me.

I have these times where I get angry with God because things arent going the way I want, or at the speed at which I want them to go.
But the whole time God is providing and Im ignoring.
I get uncomfortable when put in a situation that I ask for.
Why?
Im selfish.
Dont ask God to prove himself.

He doesnt need to.
Just look around outside.

Its a time of rebuilding for me. A time of questions. A time of faith.

Ive had this constant battle with faith for the last couple of months.
Faith that God will work everything out the way he wants it to go.
I really am terrified of change. I have become so comfortable that it is sickening.


Praying to be made uncomfortable is a huge prayer, so I hear. But at this point its what I want. A change. For God to be completely in control and for me to take the back seat. Cause right now, I'm driving and God is the passenger.

Haha...this is a bunch of thoughts in one blog.